Gethsemane 1/24/2025

Two nights ago, I realized that I will be 27 in less than 6 months. 27 is the age I decided that I would be married by. I told that to Ranger the day I met him, a year and a 11 months ago. I said “I want to be married by 27. I'm very serious about this. I'm dating to marry and I won't date you for more than a year without you proposing. Are you okay with that?” He said “yes”. In February of 2024, the day of our first anniversary, I confronted him about his lack of proposal. I had reminded him of this rule in December and in January prior. He said “I know.” He smiled at me. On the day we celebrated our first anniversary, he looked me in the eyes and said “well, I know you were seeing other people until October, so I don't think this really counts as a year of us dating.” I chose Ranger because I deemed him safe. He was no 6 foot egomaniac with mommy issues, he was a humble guy, he was different. That's what I deduced, so it had to be true. Because I deduced that and decided it was true, when he said that to me, I didn't decide that he was manipulating me. I decided that we had different concepts of what a relationship was and I gave him a 6 month extension. Now, I'm aware that my sporadic dates over the past year while seeing him the majority of the time did not deduct from the time he and I spent together. I also knew that the reason I kept seeing other people is because he didn't want to commit to being my boyfriend. Essentially I knew that he was at fault for me continuing to see other people because I'd told him I wanted to commit 3 months in and he refused. However, I believed that he was not ill-intentioned in his insistence that the 6 months we'd spent together that I'd gone on 5 dates during, nullified the validity of the time given. I believed he genuinely felt that and was earnest in his insistence that he thought he had more time because of that. Fool me one time. 5 and a half months passed and I was home to celebrate my birthday. He was coming a few days later and since it was so close to the deadline I'd reset as a boundary and he would be seeing my family for an entire week, surely this would be the time for him to propose. I looked for signs. I probed my mother to see if she had plans, she was available every day. I searched for hidden decorations, I found none. I asked Brittyn if she'd seen my updated ring Pinterest, she hadn't looked at it in months. Finally, I asked Ranger if he could call my father for me. He couldn't, he didn't have his phone number. I knew then, with certainty , that he would not be proposing to me. Not while he was with me in Florida and no time soon. Disgusted in myself for allowing his deception, I spiraled. 26 years old, no prospects, and still too naïve to know when I'm being deceived. I called him and told him that since he wasn't proposing, he should know that I won't be having kids anymore. I'd told him before, but not you, that I don't believe in beginning to have children after age 29. With no proposal by 26, I would not be married by 27, and would not have at least a year with my husband before procreating, then giving birth by 29. He told me I was being ridiculous. I told him he is entitled to think that way, but I am entitled to think the way I do as well. I also told him that since he's not proposing, the timeline just didn't matter that much anymore since I was no longer planning to have children. He then said “I'm not proposing to you because we’ve been arguing so much. I need to see that we can get along first.” I accepted that and rationalized it. Fool me two times, can't put the blame on you. Eager to please, I was careful not to argue with him. Like Jesus, I turned the other cheek and humbled myself. I did well and our arguments were less, though they never were more frequent than any other couple. We decided to look for an investment property together and that was exciting. Though, I couldn't shake the feeling that his willingness to embark on that journey spurred from the thought that it would buy him more time to forgo proposing to me. The housing marking in this time is reminiscent of the American West. Wild and lawless. We searched for months with no avail. It did make me feel closer to him. December came around and so did the time to take off from work and visit my family in Florida. I didn't want him to accompany me. I didn't quite know why yet. I just didn't want him to be there. I felt bad for that. At first 

,I thought it was because the flights were expensive. $600 round trip on economy. However, when the prices dropped, I was not encouraged to invite him. Then I believed it was his rigid routine. He refuses to stray from his dedication to going to the gym in the morning daily, even on vacation. He won't go in the evening, afternoon, or even the night. He’s difficult to travel with, but even then, eventually I realized that wasn't why either. It wasn't until I was sandwiched between my cousins and their fiancés and husbands that I realized that I didn't want him there because I did not trust him to propose. It felt silly to bring a mid commitment, long term boyfriend to my family. Family is for men who want to make you their wife. I didn't want to believe that I knew he wouldn't propose though. So, I continued on as long as I could. And now I can no longer pretend that I don't know. My mortality haunts me and I am at the mercy of it. Fool me three times. J Cole said “fuck the peace signs, load the chopper, let it rain on you”. I am no longer in Florida, that is not an option for me. So, I instead spoke to Ranger on the phone for 5+ hours trying to get him to explain what his intentions are. 

Ranger: I love you and I want to marry you 

Iman: when? Why haven't you proposed 

Ranger: …..

Iman: hello? 

Ranger: you don't want me just for me! 

Iman: if you want to marry me like you keep saying. Why haven't you proposed? 

Ranger: ……

Iman: I want to be married. You've known that since I met you. I need to be provided for im not cut out of this. 

Ranger: so will you close your business then to cater to my whims? 

Iman: what? What are you saying? 

Ranger: you want to be a housewife, then you do whatever I say. 

Iman: you want me to close my successful from home business? That doesn't make sense. 

Ranger: you want to be a wife right? Then you do what I want. 

Iman: you've never said this to me before and I know you're trying to just convince me to change my mind by confusing me. 

Ranger: you don't love me, that's why you're leaving. 

Iman: I can't be your girlfriend anymore. We can be friends, we can reduce the commitment, but we can't be exclusive. 

Ranger: I won't be your friend! 

Iman: I can't be your girlfriend anymore. You've had plenty of time to make me your wife.

Ranger: you're throwing away 2 years 

Iman: you did by not proposing. I told you my timeline when I met you 

That's the short and skinny of our conversation. I haven't heard from him since. 

Ya Allah! I believed myself so decisive, learned, and intuitive, yet I am again in this position of distrust, naïveté, and uncertainty. When will He make it easy on me? What more am I to learn? Not to say that I believe my plight equal to that of the prophet Jesus (Isa), but may I quote him in the great Andrew Lloyd Webber musical and ask “WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?”